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EDITORIAL: The last Halloween candy tier list you will ever need

Editor Adam Louis explores the world of Halloween candy

Halloween is the perfect time to have a sweet tooth. Though trick or treating is destined to be somewhat limited again due to COVID-19, that’s not to say trick or treaters shouldn’t venture out to have a little clean, spooky fun. Be safe, and please send costume photos! We’d love to include them in the upcoming paper.

Recently, CandyStore.com analyzed 14 years worth of sales data to determine the top 10 treats for trick-or-treaters all across North America. Because my opinion is right and theirs is not, we’re going to completely throw out that data and start from scratch.

In the following report, we’ll take a close look at 20 different candies or treats, which will be ranked in the scientifically lauded five-tier system I definitely didn’t just make up about 20 minutes ago. The tiers are as follows: S – Transcendent, A – Bingeworthy, B – Pretty Darn Good, C – Filler Candy and D – Maybe Sneak It Into The Kids Lunches Later.

There’s very little time to waste, so let’s start with S tier. We start off with Reese’s Pieces, which offers all the goodness of Reese’s peanut butter in an efficient, edible package. Snickers is about as “filling” as candy gets, and since it has nuts in it, it’s got to be nutritious. Right?

Skittles have a nice, explosive fruit flavour and are excellent if you want dozens of something in one sitting. Finally, there’s Hot Tamales – the renegade candy. You want chocolate? What about fruit flavours? No, forget that. Forget all of it. Cinnamon or bust.

On the A tier, we have the beloved Reese’s peanut butter cups. It’s a slight hot take, granted, but think about it – same peanut butter greatness, but more melty and equipped with extra trash. KitKat is another great A-list option, coming in a wide variety of flavours and you technically get multiple bars for the price of one.

It’s Butterfinger’s peanut butter “mystery meat” that puts it up on the A tier – it’s not nearly as disgusting as that sounds. Twix rounds out my second-tier list, having that satisfying crunch reminiscent of fall in the event you don’t have a crispy leaf to stomp on.

M&Ms are middle of the road for me. It’s just a solid, dependable option and I have no issues with them at all. 3 Musketeers is a bit different. Oh, sure, the taste is nice, but the inner tooth pain the follows sent this bar careening down my personal tier list. Mars bars are great if you love the taste of caramel and plan on tasting nothing but caramel for at least 24 hours. Flavoured Tootsie Rolls, though rare, are pretty nice. They almost make you forget that you’re eating a Tootsie Roll.

Now we’re at the C tier – filler candy. First up is potato chips. Chips are a tried and true snack food, granted, but you’re paying for half a bag of air, and it’s just a poor economic decision overall. Rockets look like, taste like and possibly are made of chalk. I haven’t tested if you can draw with them yet.

Suckers or lollipops are the very definition of filler candy. They’re the final line of defence between you, trick or treaters and the tricks they may play. If you’re down to suckers, that might be a bad sign.

Now we’re at the bottom of the barrel, and we can’t go without mentioning peanut butter kisses. You know, those little taffy things in orange and black unlabeled wrapping? That’s not peanut butter. That’s fake news.

Pixie Stix are lazy and messy. A paper tube of sugar – what could possibly go wrong? Fruit is on this list, too, but I’m not about to besmirch the good name of the beloved food group. The D tier is titled “Maybe Sneak It Into The Kids Lunches Later” for a reason. When you get fruit, not only do you get free food for lunches later, but there’s actual nutritional value! There’s no guarantee the fruit won’t be chucked at an unsuspecting victim before it makes it home, though.

Finally, we arrive at candy corn. Ah, yes. The fruitcake of the Halloween world. It doesn’t exactly go bad, and year in and year out, it just gets passed on from one person to another like a bad cold. Avoid candy corn, except for decorative purposes.

With that complete, have a great Halloween weekend; may your treat bags be filled with S- and A-tier goodies, and stay safe out there.

agassizHalloweenHarrison Hot Springs